14 June 2012

feeling unreasonably despondent

on june 24th, 2000, my dad died at a fantastically old and rickety restaurant called the muscoot. he was sitting at the bar having a budweiser and a cheeseburger with mustard. there were probably onion rings too. to honor and remember my father, my siblings and i go to that same restaurant every year on the 24th of june, sit at the bar exactly where he was sitting and eat a cheeseburger with mustard, and onion rings, washed down with (for me, a sip of) a budweiser. if none of us was there on that evening, how would we know where he was sitting? we know because every single year the same lovely woman who served him that night, serves us....by some miracle, she is scheduled for the 24th of june every single year. we bring flowers and a placard that reads "Donald R. Kellogg Jr., 2/4/44-9/24/2000" and leave them there at the end of the meal.
11 years we've been doing this.
this year, it's been sold. it's closed for renovations.
no more bar. no more stools.
quite possibly, no more hamburgers as the owner of an italian restaurant bought it.
quite possibly, no more server who shares sweet memories of our dad.

so bummed.


KristiBowmanDesign said...

Wow what a story, I bet you are sad. You'll find another way to honor your dad I have no doubt. Take care!

Liz Woodbury said...

i was thinking about this when i read about the sale of the muscoot. CHANGE, you know? and also, the ritual is so lovely, but it's just a ritual, and it's not your dad. (ugh, i don't at all mean to sound like i'm lecturing. it's just that buddhist thing that i find helpful and impossible: not holding onto things even when they represent people or emotions or memories...) and also, what kristi said: you guys may have to find a new way to celebrate your dad. at least this year. ♥

Heather said...

I just feel like I wish we'd had some warning. We could have gone one last time . . .

Barb Fernald said...

11 years is a long time. No wonder you will miss the ritual. Whatever you do this year on the 24th will feel a little bit habitual if you repeat it next year. I always liked this story of you guys celebrating your dad this way.
June is kind of a hard month. Today was 7 years since Bruce's dad died. My dad also died in June 17 years ago. And then there is Father's day....
I agree with your wise friend Liz.
And I am thinking of you. xoxo

holly kellogg said...

so many kind words, here and by email. i can't stay long for teary-ness but just want to say thank you all for your wise and comforting words. each of you has touched a bit on the complexity. the ritual is surely NOT my dad, but helps keep him alive for me, and i was hoping a little bit for my kids too.

Claire Oswald said...

Hi Holly, I came across this post looking for Pardo clay info.

I know exactly how you feel. My Dad died in 1994 at the age of 50 in my local leisure centre (heart attack after swimming).

Last year they demolished it, so the last place he was alive no longer exists. I was gutted. Irrational I know, but sometimes you just can't help it.

Claire xx